This question–asked so often–suggests that there is actually a plausible answer. Almost as if our being were a fixed thing. People how ask this sort of question are typically struggling with their identity and are searching for a core sense of themselves. The irony is that the more you seek to identify who you are, the more fragile you are likely to feel about yourself. There may be an inverse correlation between the question being asked the the ease with with you experience your life. The emphasis shouldn’t be on discovering who you are (what is buried beneath), but on faciltating the emergence of what you’d like to experience.

Our identity should be seen as an ongoing process. Rather than a static snapshot, we should embrace a flowing sense of self, whereby we are perpetually re-framing, re-organizing, re-thinking and re-considering ourselves. How different would life be if rather than asking who am I, we contemplated how we’d like to engage life?

A sense of inadequacy often informs the question around, Who am I? As people engage the deepening complexity of understanding themselves they would fare much better to devote themselves to the unfolding process of life. Witnessing our thoughts, not reacting out of old habit, and becoming present enable us to better craft our lives. As such, the identity that we seek fires the wave of life, enriched by the flow.

Imagine that you’ve been in prison for twenty years, incarcerated since the age of eighteen. You literally have no adult life experience outside of the penitentiary. Your sense of self is tragically limited. You might ask, Who am I? This would likely provoke a fragile sense of self that paradoxically might leave you most apprehensive about your imminent release. You’d hardly choose to remain imprisoned until you could find your identity. You’d have to permit that new sense of self to flow from your new experiences.

I have worked with people who have been married more or less for their entire adult lives. Upon divorce they are often confronted with a distressing thought. They claim that they don;’t know who they are. More to the point, they may not know who they are as  a single, autonomous adult, not partnered.  After all, how could they?  Rather than remaining mired in fear, you’d need to summon up a sense of wonder and adventure. Their is a new snese of self waiting to be born. You get to re-craft yourself along the way.

At the other end of the identity continuum are those who claim to know themselves so well. This other extreme also signifies a fragility about one’s identity. To know yourself so well, leaves no room for growth. Even more, it suggests a deep vulnerability that is being defended against. As if it were too dangerous to take a closer look.

It makes perfect sense to seek a deeper sense of self. To become intimately aware of your thoughts, feelings hopes and fears is obviously advisable. The key is to engage your sense of self as malleable, more like a willow tree than a sturdy oak. The willow is flexible and survives the storm as it bends with the wind, whereas the more rigid oak is more likely to crack.

The universe purportedly exists in a state of flowing potential. And it is essential to understand that we are indeed part of that universe. The goal then is to access that potential, keeping the parts of our identity that continue to serve us well and shedding the old, habitual pieces that constrain us. This process is known as positive disintegration. This permits us to find balance between the extremes previously discussed and enter into a relationship with self that commits to our personal evolution.

t

This question comes up so often in my therapy sessions. The greatest source of invalidation comes from denying our feelings–whether we do it ourselves or others do it to us. People really struggle with the question of whether their feelings or right or wrong. Wrong question! Feelings are neither–they just are. Imagine saying that you feel hot. Can someone tell you that you’re wrong? That you’re not feeling hot? Of course not. They might argue that it isn’t hot–particularly if you’re sharing a bed together. But indeed if  you feel hot, you feel hot.

Now if you’re overdressed  or the thermostat is set too high you might make an adjustment and no longer feel hot. In that case what your feeling changes. Similarly, if you feel angry, unloved or disrespected, some meaningful communication might assist you to reconsider what you’re feeling. Learning not to be reactive also helps in reframing what we’re feeling. But this doesn’t suggest that you weren’t feeling what you were.

Some people invalidate their own feelings but not trusting their emotions. In such cases, they are particularly prone to having others further this invalidation via their comments. This is a source of relationship conflict and damage. The goal is to affirm and acknowledge what the other is feeling and to better appreciate their experience. Once you join with them, they are then affirmed and not coincidentally, better prepared to reflect on what they’re feeling.

Feelings are generally informed by our thoughts and it is helpful to explore what thinking may have triggered what we are feeling. Ordinarily, when our thoughts shift–so do our emotions. They tend to act in concert with one another. Don’t judge your feelings–note them and then self-reflect. They can’t be wrong, but they can be reconsidered.

Most people try to avoid making mistakes. In fact, many people experience considerable stress and anxiety around avoiding mistakes. We may labor and fret over this fear, which tends to block and paralyze us. Surprisingly, we don’t typically pause and consider exactly what we mean by this word–mistake.

Generally, a mistake is a decision, action or lack of action that we come to regret. We label this a mistake because it may cause us pain, struggle or loss. Most often, it takes us well out of our comfort zone and introduces uncertainty. We typically don’t care for the consequences that have befallen us and this is what we refer to as a mistake. The irony is that these occurrences we try to avoid are often exactly what we need to experience.

Many times I have heard people speak of their failed marriages as mistakes as they culminate in divorce. Yet, these upheavals provide the opportunities to grow and reveal deeper truths about ourselves. Through this painful experience there is a potential for deep transformation. The insights borne out of what we call mistakes are necessary for our psychological, emotional and personal growth. They are an intrinsic part of our learning process. The avoidance of them severely curtails our life experience.

As one door closes–another opens

This fear around mistakes impacts not only our relationship with self and others, but our jobs and careers as well. The mistakes made in the workplace may result in financial loss or even termination. This undoubtedly causes havoc and and distress. But as surely as a door closes, another opens. The goal is to open to seeing that opening. The objective is to not stay mired in the loss, but to search for the new opportunity. It is surely there if we free our minds to get beyond the mistake.

The avoidance of pain and at times, loss or sadness limits our life experience. Yet, these travails are necessary to propel us toward the greater richness of an unfolding life. Our beliefs about mistakes and failure constrain us from moving into a deeper and richer relationship with life. The anxiety around this imprisons us and keeps us stuck in a very confined comfort zone of the known. Yet, it is the movement into the unknown that catalyzes our personal evolution.

A mistake is an event, the full benefit of which we have not yet come to realize

The fear of making a mistake is utterly paralyzing. Who gets to be the judge of what is a mistake? From a spiritual perspective it might be argued that there is really no such thing as a mistake (other than the obvious e.g. driving drunk and killing someone). The very notion of mistake produces a reaction that induces conformity with the status quo. In this state we tend to dishonor our intuition and we lose our inner voice as we choose the safer path.

At such times we defer to the voices and opinions of others. These are the voices that instruct us about correct choices. The expression, they say, speaks to this problem. I often wonder, who exactly they are? When we live in such a manner our lives suffer and we lose the creative, playful spirit that more suits our engagement of life. The concept of mistake is tied to the larger notion of failure.

I would suggest that there really is no such thing as failure. It is a made up construct, having no independent reality. Imagine watching a toddler struggling to take their first steps, only to fall. How ridiculous would it be to proclaim that they failed? They didn’t fail–they simply haven’t yet succeeded! Why do we have that patience for children and yet victimize ourselves so readily? It is altogether natural to struggle toward what we are trying to achieve. To call this failure is to abort the very process of learning. This is devastatingly destructive.

What we call a mistake or failure is simply a snapshot that we choose to freeze in time. Prior to becoming president, Harry Truman owned a men’s clothing store, which fell into bankruptcy. If his career ended at that point, he might have been imprinted with the notion of failure. Fortunately for him, he continued his life process and his life further unfolded.

If you are excited about new experiences and opportunities for growth, you’ll be less likely to be overly sensitive to the issue of mistakes. On the other hand, if you’re reluctant about such movement you likely live in fear of mistakes.

There is never a single correct choice or decision. Constructs such as mistakes and failure block of from the rewarding  complexity  of life’s possibilities. Liberating ourselves from this fear enable us to actualize our potentiality.

‘

T

The fact that more than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is actually the lesser of the problem. The greater difficulty lies in the fact that the majority of intact marriages are far from joyful. Divorce, although tumultuous and potentially scarring, at least provides the promise of better days. Remaining in the lethargy of an unhappy marriage, dulled by the absence of a more hopeful vision, can be downright depressing. And yet, so many people resign themselves to such lives.

Many people in such relationships merely give up and don’t work on improving their relations. I am by no means glibly promoting divorce! I am advocating, however, that we to every thing in our power to awaken our relationships and live more meaningfully. Let’s take a deeper look at the dilemma.

The Fear Factor

Fear is the greatest impediment to growth in our lives. Too often, individuals are literally afraid of sharing their true feelings with their partners. This range of fear may run the gamut: the fear of divorce and its incumbent anxieties or simply the avoidance of coming to terms with a relationship that may be lacking in intimacy, passion or respect. When you stay married out of fear, the emotional paralysis that pervades further poisons the relationship. Staying together out of resignation–due to fear–results in an enigmatic dilemma. Such people won’t consider divorce and yet they are convinced that their marriage won’t improve, so they don’t work on the relationship. This is the worst of all possible scenarios. They are literally caught between the proverbial rock and the hard place.

If you find yourself in this place it’s essential that you address your fears. The fear of divorce paradoxically eliminates any chance of improvement in the relationship. It produces a state of inertia and the ensuing stagnation and frustration make mediocre marriages even worse. If we can work through the fears around separation, then we are electing to stay in the marriage not from fear but from choice. This alone begins to unburden the chronic state of unhappiness and the marital therapy may begin. In other words, processing through the fear of divorce is not necessarily for the purpose of divorcing. It is for the purpose of clarity. Am I staying married for the wrong reasons?

Fear filters our perceptions and participates in constructing our reality. The way in which you see your partner is very much informed by your emotions, particularly anger. This anger may have arisen in part because you’re feeling mired in a hopeless relationship.

Getting unstuck permits you to to either create a healthier relationship or to move forward. Either choice may be preferable to remaining unhappy without a glimmer of hope. Fear should not be a factor in your choice. Ultimately, the question is how much happiness you deserve in your life. It is not selfish to deserve happiness. In fact, to forgo your own contentment becomes a  model of self-sacrifice for your children–who will likely suffer in their own self-esteem by having parents who betrayed their own fulfillment. Children tend to model that which they see from their parents. To find happinss within your relationship it’s essential that you move out of the trap of fear and face the issues in your life.

Breakthrough or Breakdown?

With rare exceptions, we seem to struggle in our desire to breakthrough. Yet, exactly what are we trying to breakthrough? Typically, it’s about our desire to change or to become unstuck. The groove of old thinking, feeling and the rut of old behavior become deeply embedded. The older that we get the more anxious we may become that we won’t be able to break free from the entrenchment of the familiar zone.

Somewhere beyond the limitations of the familiar lies the new terrain that we imagine we’d like to experience. This desired place may be specific or general, but it holds the promise of something that we yearn for. This is the promised land of the breakthrough.

We may come to fear that the absence of change assures not only sameness and stagnation, but potentially worse. When we don’t assimilate opportunities for growth, we may indeed breakdown.  Resistance to change rigidifies our life experience and we lose our capacity for vitality. When we remain mired in the familiar zone we stagnate. This stagnation ultimately leads to our devolving or breaking down.

What I am proposing is that we ultimately have a choice: breakthrough and embrace our personal evolution or coast in the comfort zone and begin the withering that leads toward our breaking down. Breakdown doesn’t necessitate a psychological or emotional disaster or a profound dysfunction. It may be far more subtle but just as insidious. For the predictability of life without growth may precipitate a dulled if not depressing experience.

Humans thrive through the mechanism of resilience, as do our relationships. The word resilience should not suggest the ability to ward off mishaps and struggles, but to actually integrate them into our being. Challenges to our stability are opportunities in disguise. The crisis ordinarily presents an opportunity. Embracing uncertainty and discomfort may very well usher in the long awaited breakthrough. We need to thrive, not just survive.

After some consideration and many years of practice as a therapist, I have come to believe that the term self-esteem appears to be a misnomer. The first half of the expression, “self” would seem to imply that the esteem is derived from one’s self. Yet, if we look closer we may find that very often that self-esteem is actually attained from outside of one’s self. For a student it might come from good grades, for a business person or employee, a promotion or a raise. For most individuals, praise or acknowledgement provide an increase in esteem.

Although all of the above are understandably positive, it is essential to note that they depend upon things external to one’ self. Since the esteem is externally derived from the outside, we can see how we might be inclined to alter our personality and behavior to achieve more of this reward. Admittedly being approved of or valued by others is a natural desire, but we must be cautious not to betray ourselves in order to achieve these results. If we don’t receive the desired outcome, or if it is suddenly removed, how do we then feel about ourselves? If a mediocre performance or lack of praise, or even criticism diminishes how we feel about ourselves, it becomes evident that the esteem is indeed not from self, it is actually what I call other-esteem. Read the rest of this entry »

Doing the Best you Can

Is it always a good idea to do the best you can do? Moreover, can we ever be sure that it’s really our best? These questions came up recently in a therapy session and catalyzed my looking more deeply into the nature and implications of this common expression.

The man with whom I was working felt it essential that they were always doing their best. In his case, this inclined him to constantly measure himself, as to whether he had acted at this optimal level. He confessed that very often he was stuck in analyzing the past, debating whether his words or behavior were the very best choice. When he wasn’t stuck in that groove he was typically fretting over future decisions, concerned that they might not be the very best choice. The nature of his inner voice was highly self-critical, addicted to measuring his actions. Read the rest of this entry »

People who are holistically minded often refer to the mind-body connection. They are suggesting that they have discovered a conduit between our mental and physical being. Many react in surprise when I challenge this term and suggest that there’s no connection at all. Having never been accused of being a classical or reductionist thinker, my statement causes considerable consternation.

My position is as follows: The universe appears to be essentially inseparable whereby everything interpenetrates everything else. As odd as it may seem, it appears that all divisions and boundaries are simply matters of our thought’s construction. Bewildering and as counterintuitive as it sounds, nothing appears separate from anything else in the quantum world. Moreover, the same seems to apply in our everyday macro world. If we proceed from this underlying assumption of the emerging sciences, then the word connection loses its basis. If there’s no separation, there’s no need for connection. The way that we language things very much informs our reality. Therefore, I resist using the word connection as it misinforms me.

Read the rest of this entry »

Most marriages and primary relationships these days tend to focus more on expediency and structure than on substance and content. In a culture that promotes getting the job done, efficiency regrettably takes precedence over fun. Many couples have become most proficient at getting the job done well. They manage the home, the children and work, but they seem to have lost the capacity to have fun together. They may work well together, but they don’t often love well together.

Read the rest of this entry »

Why Do We Mean by Commitment?

What does the word commitment suggest? It usually evokes a strong sense of intention and focus. It typically is accompanied by a statement of purpose or a plan of action. Very often, we utilize this word in regard to proclamations we may make about the seriousness of our relationships. For example, “I’m in a committed relationship,” or “ I’m completely committed to this relationship.” In such circumstances, what exactly are we saying? We take it for granted that the word or the expression means the same thing to all of us. I can assure you that it doesn’t.

Read the rest of this entry »