Breakthrough or Breakdown?

With rare exceptions, we seem to struggle in our desire to breakthrough. Yet, exactly what are we trying to breakthrough? Typically, it’s about our desire to change or to become unstuck. The groove of old thinking, feeling and the rut of old behavior become deeply embedded. The older that we get the more anxious we may become that we won’t be able to break free from the entrenchment of the familiar zone.

Somewhere beyond the limitations of the familiar lies the new terrain that we imagine we’d like to experience. This desired place may be specific or general, but it holds the promise of something that we yearn for. This is the promised land of the breakthrough.

We may come to fear that the absence of change assures not only sameness and stagnation, but potentially worse. When we don’t assimilate opportunities for growth, we may indeed breakdown.  Resistance to change rigidifies our life experience and we lose our capacity for vitality. When we remain mired in the familiar zone we stagnate. This stagnation ultimately leads to our devolving or breaking down.

What I am proposing is that we ultimately have a choice: breakthrough and embrace our personal evolution or coast in the comfort zone and begin the withering that leads toward our breaking down. Breakdown doesn’t necessitate a psychological or emotional disaster or a profound dysfunction. It may be far more subtle but just as insidious. For the predictability of life without growth may precipitate a dulled if not depressing experience.

Humans thrive through the mechanism of resilience, as do our relationships. The word resilience should not suggest the ability to ward off mishaps and struggles, but to actually integrate them into our being. Challenges to our stability are opportunities in disguise. The crisis ordinarily presents an opportunity. Embracing uncertainty and discomfort may very well usher in the long awaited breakthrough. We need to thrive, not just survive.

After some consideration and many years of practice as a therapist, I have come to believe that the term self-esteem appears to be a misnomer. The first half of the expression, “self” would seem to imply that the esteem is derived from one’s self. Yet, if we look closer we may find that very often that self-esteem is actually attained from outside of one’s self. For a student it might come from good grades, for a business person or employee, a promotion or a raise. For most individuals, praise or acknowledgement provide an increase in esteem.

Although all of the above are understandably positive, it is essential to note that they depend upon things external to one’ self. Since the esteem is externally derived from the outside, we can see how we might be inclined to alter our personality and behavior to achieve more of this reward. Admittedly being approved of or valued by others is a natural desire, but we must be cautious not to betray ourselves in order to achieve these results. If we don’t receive the desired outcome, or if it is suddenly removed, how do we then feel about ourselves? If a mediocre performance or lack of praise, or even criticism diminishes how we feel about ourselves, it becomes evident that the esteem is indeed not from self, it is actually what I call other-esteem. Read the rest of this entry »

Doing the Best you Can

Is it always a good idea to do the best you can do? Moreover, can we ever be sure that it’s really our best? These questions came up recently in a therapy session and catalyzed my looking more deeply into the nature and implications of this common expression.

The man with whom I was working felt it essential that they were always doing their best. In his case, this inclined him to constantly measure himself, as to whether he had acted at this optimal level. He confessed that very often he was stuck in analyzing the past, debating whether his words or behavior were the very best choice. When he wasn’t stuck in that groove he was typically fretting over future decisions, concerned that they might not be the very best choice. The nature of his inner voice was highly self-critical, addicted to measuring his actions. Read the rest of this entry »

People who are holistically minded often refer to the mind-body connection. They are suggesting that they have discovered a conduit between our mental and physical being. Many react in surprise when I challenge this term and suggest that there’s no connection at all. Having never been accused of being a classical or reductionist thinker, my statement causes considerable consternation.

My position is as follows: The universe appears to be essentially inseparable whereby everything interpenetrates everything else. As odd as it may seem, it appears that all divisions and boundaries are simply matters of our thought’s construction. Bewildering and as counterintuitive as it sounds, nothing appears separate from anything else in the quantum world. Moreover, the same seems to apply in our everyday macro world. If we proceed from this underlying assumption of the emerging sciences, then the word connection loses its basis. If there’s no separation, there’s no need for connection. The way that we language things very much informs our reality. Therefore, I resist using the word connection as it misinforms me.

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Most marriages and primary relationships these days tend to focus more on expediency and structure than on substance and content. In a culture that promotes getting the job done, efficiency regrettably takes precedence over fun. Many couples have become most proficient at getting the job done well. They manage the home, the children and work, but they seem to have lost the capacity to have fun together. They may work well together, but they don’t often love well together.

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Why Do We Mean by Commitment?

What does the word commitment suggest? It usually evokes a strong sense of intention and focus. It typically is accompanied by a statement of purpose or a plan of action. Very often, we utilize this word in regard to proclamations we may make about the seriousness of our relationships. For example, “I’m in a committed relationship,” or “ I’m completely committed to this relationship.” In such circumstances, what exactly are we saying? We take it for granted that the word or the expression means the same thing to all of us. I can assure you that it doesn’t.

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We are encumbered by a cultural imperative to value clarity and to have the correct answer. The need to distance ourselves from confusion is mandated by the judgment that confusion, a close relative of uncertainty, is weak and to be shunned. Many people disguise their confusion, as they are embarrassed by it and may even feign certainty. Our educational system is founded upon a learning style that mediates toward certainty and evokes a discomfort with confusion. The confused student is offered after class help or advised to see a tutor. The confused worker may feel ashamed and hide their confusion in fear, limiting the opportunity to resolve their struggle to understand.

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I recently broke my foot, a fracture that occurred as I missed a step on my front porch. The break occurred on the outside part of my foot- the fifth metatarsal. My doctor provided some good news in that I wouldn’t need a cast and I proceeded to adjust to my broken foot. Or so I thought. In deference to the pain on the outer perimeter of my foot I shifted my weight toward my other side, compensating for the damage.

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How we experience our lives is very much informed by how we see reality operating. The prevailing mindset of most, still believe in a fixed, static and material universe. From that vantage, we construct a reality comprised of objects and see ourselves as things as well, albeit human things. As such we are beings. Human beings, perhaps somewhat stuck in our identity of being. This mindscape sees change as the exception and at times as undesirable; undesired change is something to be controlled if not warded off, yet not surprisingly we become mired in failure in our own attempts to change. Predictability and determinism still reign sovereign.

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Beginning a new year often brings forth a review of our expectations and I thought it might be a good idea to briefly examine this topic.  As with many concepts in our culture, we tend to fall well short of fully appreciating what these terms truly suggest and at times, the apparent contradictions that they may evoke. This is certainly the case with the word expectations. Are they to be valued and embraced or do they impede us and distort our life experiences? The answer depends on a host of things. One size doesn’t typically fit all and we need to look at how we employ the word expectations. From the perspective of some spiritual traditions we should be disinclined to attach to expectations as they may block our direct experience of life and impose a bondage of belief upon us. Traditional western values that inculcate and reward achievement honor high expectations, for they drive our culture and our economy.

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